Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
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Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat