Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonight

DATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not

I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?

Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.

He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus

Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF

I hate having a ton of anxiety and no energy. It’s like having a tank full of gas and no engine

Server: Would you like another glass of wine?

Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time

Server: For the wine?

Me: No, for silly questions

Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?

*holds flashlight up to face*

When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.

*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*

Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?

Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now

me doing my best

oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review

power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention

My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂

Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?

Because he had gnocchi

*quietly waits for the reply guys

*sends nudes*

Him: omg you showered!

The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.

Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes

My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.

dear parents,

just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence

Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.

Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.

Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.

MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?

They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.

Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]

MISSING: 5 year old

LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”

DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids

Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required

Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.

Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style

My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free

“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”

-wet laundry