Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
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The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
banana peels are my favorite fall accessories
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
Getting married soon just need a spouse
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head