People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
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“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
that de-escalated quickly
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher