Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
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Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶