[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
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Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
I have a black belt in leather
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.