[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
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“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
Your honor these allegations are
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.