[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
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Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
I have to consciously stop myself from ending all my work calls with “love you bye”
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
My wedding will be open casket.
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
Me: …
Dog: …
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Dog: ..
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Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
