[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
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Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
Who knew!
Me: “At last, sunny weather! Time to go outside and develop a healthy glow!”
Pollen: “I’m going to make you look like you’ve been pepper sprayed”
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.