*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
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I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
My good tweets are in my other pants.
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
you should be able to donate somebody else’s body to science
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?