*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
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Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
Breaking news:
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
☺️
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.