Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD

#Caturday

Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that

ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.

ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?

You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.

“Woah woah hey woah”

[me attempting to breakup a fight]

Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?

her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?

me: it’s the little things that count

sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon

When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.

I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.

Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.

Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.

Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.

I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm

I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh

Interviewer: Biggest weakness?

Me: The delusions

Interviewer: Like what?

Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed

Bus driver: where are your pants?

[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?

[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice

a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?

no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS

Me: Wake up

5-year-old:

Me: We’re late

5:

Me: The house is on fire

5:

Me: Your sister touched your stuff

5: *barrel rolls out of bed*

No more excuses…

….next year I’m getting that exorcism.

I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.

If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey

i’m actually the nightmare before christmas, don’t talk to me until i’ve had my milk and cookies 😂🤣

Not being able to eat before blood work is so stupid. Yes I’m aware my funyon levels have spiked am I dying or not?

Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about

My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.

Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.

accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.