Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
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My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
they gotta bring back House and make it about House again and it’s still House and he is the exact same character except he works at Home Depot in this one
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
Ken is short for chicken
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
he’s doing your taxes
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.