Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
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How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!