Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
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so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
Breaking news:
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
I am yelling
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
Publisher: You have a good story here, but I hate the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
Meatloaf is a good safe word.
It means I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that…
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
I thought Hogwarts was in Orlando and that’s why they have those accents.
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
the FOLD cycle on my clothes dryer isn’t working
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR