Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
You Might Also Like
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
Mom: did you get an A on your spanish test
Me: C
Mom: okay mr mexico 🤩
My husband in the next room of our small old house trying to store away the unreasonable bounty he brought home from Costco tonight: “I have made errors. Why did I think we had this much room for pancake mix?”
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
“If you swallow cherry pits, a cherry tree will grow in your stomach” have you seen cherry prices lately? That sounds like a great way to save money
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
I was gutted this afternoon when my wife told me my 6 year old son wasn’t actually mine.
She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.