Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.

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My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16


Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.

Me: Okay.

Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!

Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?

Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?

Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.


Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.


Hell hath no fury like woman tagged in a Facebook photo that makes her look fat.


Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.


Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it