Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.

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Kept my wedding dress to wear on first dates so I can see how committed these men really are.


The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.


[1st date]

waiter: can I bring you anything?

her: maybe some Worcestersh–

me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–

her: and the check


[puts puppy in microwave]

[googles instructions for making hotdogs]

[quickly releases puppy from microwave]


My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.

Isn’t that precious?

No. He’s 20.


[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?


God: you’re a mosquito.

Mosquito: what does that mean?

God: you feed on blood.

Mosquito: i’m a vampire?

God: no.

Mosquito: oh.

God: you can fly.

Mosquito: i’m a vampire!

God: no.

Mosquito: oh.

God: garlic repels you.

Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!


Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.