Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
You Might Also Like
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*