My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
You Might Also Like
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
Hell hath no fury like woman tagged in a Facebook photo that makes her look fat.
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
Guarantees in life:
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
Home is where your toilet is.