Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
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Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.