*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
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My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
THE AUDACITY. 😤
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
Finally! 😈
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure