Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”

“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”

“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it

I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.

The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.

When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.

I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.

Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself

TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff

I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂

Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages

I stopped carrying a grudge

Weigh me now

I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool

Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?

Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat

I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.

Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.

*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*

Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?

9: dad I don’t want to sleep in my room alone tonight. Can I sleep with you and mom?

me: aw bud, it’s okay. You won’t be alone in your room. There’s plenty of ghosts in there to keep you company.

9: MOM!

Please, if you ever offer me a snack and I say no, ask me again, I didn’t mean it the first time

😂😂

ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity

ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot

Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.

I have a PhD

Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem

My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.

My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today

Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?

Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage

I had a friend growing up who named his dog “dog”. He recently had a baby and I’m disappointed he didn’t do the same thing. Dog would be such a cool name for a baby.

When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”

If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.