[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
![]()
You Might Also Like
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That鈥檚 sleuth shit.
Hiring a mortician to do my makeup while I sleep
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I鈥檓 still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
my kids: i can鈥檛 wait! we鈥檙e going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
Duolingo should have an “I’m going on holiday to this place very soon” setting so it teaches you “can I have the bill” and so on instead of “the cow boils an egg”
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 馃槵
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
馃槤
![]()
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
![]()
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful