[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
You Might Also Like
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
[my landlord staring at the penguin enclosure] You’re not getting your deposit back
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*