[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
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The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
#Caturday
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
*Shaves my winter legs*
Weigh me now.
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
Jogging
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*