[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
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[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
It’s been a while since I’ve done online dating but where do you put your daily supplemental fiber intake on your profile
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…