Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?

ME: no

MT: i wasn’t asking

ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were

JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor

(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here

While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.

I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones

If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.

You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.

I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.

“are they real” i mean yeah they’re right there

MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?

DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.

Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.

The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the room

Me to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT

Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN

Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’

This used to be a real country.

Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE

I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.

Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.

Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.

True

If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.

If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids

Phew
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Phew ✔
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The Chosen Phew

I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.

Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you

Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?

Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’

normalize having existential bread

As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.

Before countdowns were invented:

*6:30 at Chili’s*

Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?

Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card