Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missing

You’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus

me: im depressed

therapist: try a good walk

me: will that work

therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*

Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?

Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!

today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time

Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’

Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’

Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?

Lil’ Jon: WHAT

Priest: you say “I do”

Lil’ Jon: OKAY

Priest: I do

Lil’ Jon: OKAY

Priest: I DO

Lil’ Jon: YEAH!

I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.

I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.

I like the word amongst. That’s it.

Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.

Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.

❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away

The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue

I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.

You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.

hacker: ready?

weapons guy: I was born ready

[25 years earlier]

doctor: it’s a boy!

midwife: where did he get nunchucks

God: you’re a garter snake.

Garter Snake: I’m a snek?

God: no you’re a snake.

Garter Snake: I’m a snek!

God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.

Garter Snake:

God:

Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?

Thanked a rival dad at the neighborhood chili cook off for making his mild so my kids could have some.

If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?

Oh, I went there…;)

I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment

Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife

The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.

My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.

I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️

“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset

Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff

I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.

2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”

Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread

How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted