Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new

Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.

Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.

i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton

If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?

ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”

I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…

Stewardess – Are you a comedian?

Me – Yes

Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”

I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.

I logged on to Amazon and they said that they have run out of things that I don’t need.

I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes

[first guy to be sent to hell]

guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup

Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.

[first date at restaurant]

Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.

I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace

I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.

*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*

Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?

Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.

Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News

Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!

Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?

The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.

I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..

All parents have a favourite child

Good parents pretend they don’t

Great parents at least make it one of their own

Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.

Nurse: Know your blood type?

Me: Type-O

N: That’s good!

M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!

N: Get out

M: Fair enough

I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”

Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?

Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.

Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”

The library?

I’m like a potato because I’m:

-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter

Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.

at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭

My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen