drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
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Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
Can’t. About to go please some beans
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers