drinking water is cool until u have to pee 38 times an hr

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Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people

My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic


My grandfather: The Grampacalypse


My grandfather: Grandmageddon


[first day as a celebrity chef]

*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*


Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.

I was 12.


[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis


When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset


Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.


Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?

Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.

Rose: Nice.

Grill: You could have looked around a bit.


Me: School is closed today.

Son: Huh? You’re my teacher now. Why?

Me: [watching video on how to give your cat a french manicure] Professional development day

Cat:*licks his newly permed tail*


I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up