@notyourbrook

drinking water is cool until u have to pee 38 times an hr

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@mortimermaiden

[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.

@GibJimson

My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.

We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.

@copymama

Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”

@UncleDuke1969

I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.

@timcarvell

Now that it’s abandoned nudes, I hope Playboy goes with its other major brand identity and becomes a magazine about a very fancy rabbit.

@JMFnSparks

The best part about having a homeless girlfriend is after our date I can drop her off wherever I want

@princess_snide

Massage Therapist: and now we’ll do the gallbladder move.

-A week later at the dr’s office-

Doc, palpating abdomen: wait… where’s your gallbladder?

Me: I dunno, my therapist moved it.

@ninjadinosaur1

Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.

@XplodingUnicorn

4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.

Me: What am I?

4-year-old: In the way.