Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
drinking water is cool until u have to pee 38 times an hr
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My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
Now that it’s abandoned nudes, I hope Playboy goes with its other major brand identity and becomes a magazine about a very fancy rabbit.
The best part about having a homeless girlfriend is after our date I can drop her off wherever I want
Massage Therapist: and now we’ll do the gallbladder move.
-A week later at the dr’s office-
Doc, palpating abdomen: wait… where’s your gallbladder?
Me: I dunno, my therapist moved it.
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.