@notyourbrook

drinking water is cool until u have to pee 38 times an hr

drinking water is cool until u have to pee 38 times an hr

- @notyourbrook

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@ShortSleeveSuit

DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac

DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go

DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*

@TweetPotato314

Me: when is your birthday

Her: March 1st

Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?

@KalvinMacleod

[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.

@roxiqt

Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.

@bees_wingz

I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.

@VeganZebra

*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*

@TheCatWhisprer

Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.

@Big_Cat74

[taco bell 2am]

*lethally stoned*

me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”

@jazmasta

A fun game to play when you’re lonely is “passing the ball from your imaginary husband to your imaginary child”

@better_off_dad2

Ever since my mother discovered emojis I feel like she’s been hitting on me.