Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
drinking water is cool until u have to pee 38 times an hr
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[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
i fixed ur flag pin for u sean
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
Me: School is closed today.
Son: Huh? You’re my teacher now. Why?
Me: [watching video on how to give your cat a french manicure] Professional development day
Cat:*licks his newly permed tail*
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up