For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
You Might Also Like
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.