drinking water is cool until u have to pee 38 times an hr

You Might Also Like


[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.


My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.

We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.


Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”


I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.


Now that it’s abandoned nudes, I hope Playboy goes with its other major brand identity and becomes a magazine about a very fancy rabbit.


The best part about having a homeless girlfriend is after our date I can drop her off wherever I want


Massage Therapist: and now we’ll do the gallbladder move.

-A week later at the dr’s office-

Doc, palpating abdomen: wait… where’s your gallbladder?

Me: I dunno, my therapist moved it.


Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.


4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.

Me: What am I?

4-year-old: In the way.