‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
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i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
Even a broken shrimp fries rice twice a day
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
Boss: did you turn your office into a ball pit?
Me [rising from the bottom of the ball pit] this could’ve been an email
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
Fun Fact:
Cat burglars have the highest recidivism of any criminal. As soon as they get out of prison, they want back in. And back out, and back in, and back out…
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle