her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
You Might Also Like
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
When can I start eating bats again.
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer