Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.

Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together

Bond. Trauma bond.

me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose

CDC: no

YES

YES

YES

YES

YES

-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house

An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.

we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park

If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.

Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.

You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do

ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you

If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.

13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!

Me: What?

13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.

Me:

13: Oh wait, that’s French.

A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease

The other 10% don’t use Web MD

A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.

I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?

My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.

biblically accurate fire hydrant

Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.

My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!

[Creation]

God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”

*cell divides*

God:”What the-”

*cells divide again*

God:”Oh shi-“

Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate

“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.

My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh

I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it

Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat

You know what really makes me smile?

Fascial muscles.

Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?

Me: No, I’m good.

Husband: Are you sure?

Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…

and if you can a coke…

and a cheeseburger…

Can you also swing by Taco Bell?

me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete

dracula: vie

me: for a crossword puzzle

“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.