Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
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The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.
Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
The horror of being warned that the person you’re about to meet is “fine once you get to know them”
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
