Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
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Can’t, holding a grudge
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.