*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
You Might Also Like
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
Just a reminder, folks:
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
wife’s secretary: she’s in a meeting but I can take a message
me out of breath: there’s a cricket in da house
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages