*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
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I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
Had a vasectomy. Paid them an extra $50 so it shoots glitter
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
This can never not be funny 😭😭
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
I’m starting to regret building that time portal. A version of me from a dystopian alternate future keeps coming back to eat my chips. He says the alien government’s killbots won’t let them have snacks, but he always shows up covered in Cheeto dust.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!