*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
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In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
Stork: I have a baby.
Pigeon: I have the mail.
Canary: I have bad news.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
just remembered my uber driver who messaged me that he had to stop for something and showed up 12 minutes late with chocolate on his face
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
If they can make a nuclear reactor small enough to power a submarine, why can’t they make one for my house
She puts the hot in psychotic