*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
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SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
All right then, keep your secrets
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website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
Found this gold ring today in a garden… just to be safe I should go throw it in a fiery mountain. Gonna need 8 nerds to take a little walk with me, who’s in?
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
Well that tweet went over like a tuna fish milkshake.
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
Refusing to attend my brother’s gambling intervention until they agree to call it a slot shaming