Drive as I say, not as I drive.
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[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
Before I check out of a hotel, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
My favorite female superhero
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
Bartenders are just boneless bars
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
neighbors are automatically creepy because they’re strangers who know where you live
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]