Drive as I say, not as I drive.
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ok hear me out: Luigiana
that lip filler tho
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
My mom was a little overprotective. She made me wear a helmet every time I rode my bike. It was an exercise bike and I was 19, but hey, her house, her rules.
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
Bunch of people on here saying it’s fine to slap your kids if they can’t be reasoned with verbally. Buddy if that’s the standard I have bad news for many of you
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
