Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
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A police officer just stopped me due to the terrible state of the sleeve on my cardigan, which is covered in small balls of thread. I’ve been charged with grievous bobbly arm 😔
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
realest tweet ever.
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
It is a shame that nothing is built in America anymore. I just bought a TV that said: “Built in Antenna”.
I don’t even know where that is.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
It’s been really good to have my son home for the weekend. I’d almost forgotten how sarcastic he is.
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]