Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
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ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
Our lord and savoury.
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff