Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.

The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate

Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.

What do you call people that use the “Rhythm Method” of birth control?

Parents.

If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.

I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.

I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.

I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.

If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?

incredible

My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.

Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help

Friend: Call me when you wake up

[3 days later]

Me: Okay I’m up!

*pronounces UPS like yoops

her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it

[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow

Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?

Me: Working, “we” are working.

Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?

Name 3 chains they’ve smoked

6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.

I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff

Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.

It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it

evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…

Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.

Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:

My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.

[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing

ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.

My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.

Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”

Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”

*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.

Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!

*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*