Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.

I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.

Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.

when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you

Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive

Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL

Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.

Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account

Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password

Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot

Me: ok ok

Computer: What was the name of your first dog?

Me: oh no

Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.

They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”

[entering the office]

Coworker: How are you?

Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.

Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?

Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.

I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love

how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense

I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.

Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.

Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillow

Him:
Pillow

A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]

Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”

To which I replied: “a camera.”

Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?

me: you said you were going to clean your room

5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise

me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”

5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it

FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week

ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you

Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.

How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?

honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice

Losing your spouse can be hard.

But it’s not impossible.

Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.

You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me

Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.

*road trip*

husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car

husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*

“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside

When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.

Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something

Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all