Drive it like you stole it, by driving cautiously and observing all applicable traffic laws to avoid further incidents so as to not attract unwanted scrutiny.
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*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Wrote a song and it goes a little something like this… Who put maple syrup on the caaaaat?
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
a pod of orcas just destroyed my skateboard
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
At my elementary “graduation” my teacher was retiring, and the teacher giving the speech kept saying the event was about her, which was odd. But now my family has a running joke with every graduation, award, wedding etc where we go “Congrats, but really this is about Ms.—–“
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.