Drive it like you stole it, by driving cautiously and observing all applicable traffic laws to avoid further incidents so as to not attract unwanted scrutiny.
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Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
me: did you have fun on your playdate?
my 9yo: yes, but that was the wrong Logan. Next week can I have a playdate with the Logan who’s my friend?
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
“The future is yours!”
Me: [Looking around] No thank you.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er