Drive like no one is watching.
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Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
No LinkedIn, I am not “open to work,” I am required to work
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
men, we mow at sunrise.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
The symmetry is uncanny.
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.