Drive like no one is watching.
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Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
So help me if I only taste dos leches in my tres leches cake
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
Double negatives are never not confusing.
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
channeling her this year
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
“How can I improve my cooking skills?”
Reddit: ummm methinks it was too hot in the kitchen for someone
Quora: Practice , avoid getting divorced that where it went down hill for me … [1/50]
Google A.i search result: Leave the gas burners on over night and kill any witnesses
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.