Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
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so cool that kids can now text you from school and ruin your day in real time
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
Tonight at my family reunion my husband played a game of volleyball with a handful of 8-year-olds and afterward he told me, with such pride, “I learned that I’m actually pretty athletic.”
8-year-olds. One of them had a cast. Another was eating ice cream the entire time.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
is nasa ok
Parents: If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do it as well?
Me: (imagining a scenario where everyone is jumping off of a bridge): probably. What if it’s on fire?
Parents: go to your room.
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
My 7yo with someone she just met, “My mom has a dairy allergy, and my dad has a kidney stone. It’s gonna hurt when he pees it out.”
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
This is not an empty room, this is a very succesful anti-party
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish