drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
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Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
extrovert: *answers unknown number*
introvert: *googles the unknown number after sending it to voicemail*
The echo in my house when it’s clean is unsettling. Better order more stuff.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
Scientists discover surface of Mars boring af
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
Me, thinking about the time the cashier said, “Come back soon,” and I said, “You too.”
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*