Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some people exercise every day.

I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.

genies are a myth perpetuated by creepy lamps who just want to get rubbed more

[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore

Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.

Corona : Got it.

Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?

me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night

mom: that was actually your father

me: *tearing up* omg does dad know

A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered

[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay

[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?

I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.

When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.

Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?

I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.

Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?

Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes

If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.

Wife: I’m leaving you.

Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?

Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.

Me: [whispers] type-o.

My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.

My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.

Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—

4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.

woke up in the middle of the night with an incredible idea, notes app this morning says “sparkling cream cheese”

wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*

The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose

911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”

So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.

Her: What are you reading?

Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”

Her: What’s that about?

Me: (Pause) Church architecture.

I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time

[Space]

No-one: I can hear screaming

Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight

Coworker: Cute dress!

Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown

Coworker: [avoids me]