Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
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Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
Them: Is your cat friendly?
My Cat: What kind of a fucking question is that?
Me: No
Matt Goss
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.