[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
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Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
Me: [a puppy mediator in the old west] get along, little doggies
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
me: i heard you were talking shit about me to your mom.
my niece (who’s 12): yeah. did you want to hear it again, or did you get everything?
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.