Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.

Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.

when i was a teenager my dad said “never feel guilty about not working, the rich dont feel guilty about it so why should you?” and it was a cool bit of parenting advice i think

The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.

Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.

I’ve only been married for six months now, but after much studying and counseling I’ve come to the conclusion that the key to a successful marriage can be summed up in two words: strategic farting

IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS

fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious

Whoa look at the moon it’s huge!

Phone camera: lol is it?

an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed

“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game

Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.

T: You need a break
M: Yes.

T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?

T: Hell no.

I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.

Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.

yall want some gasoline milk

Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?

Best part about marriage?

NO MORE CONDOMS!!!

Worst part about marriage?

No more sex.

i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs

I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.

I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.

“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”

Liam Neeson returns in…

TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED

(Summer 2015)

I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera

Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-

*wakes up*

If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.

ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies

80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.

I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.

I am not a smart woman.

*how fights start*

me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident

him: it’s obvious

me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I

“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”

Hell hath no fury like a sports bra being applied to a just showered but not 100% dry body.

My mother is bringing three of her favorite side dishes to dinner: green bean casserole, criticism, and passive aggressive comments