Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”

Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are

I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.

wife: what r u doing

me: shredding my birth certificate

wife: why

me: *starts disappearing* it’s working

One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.

I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries

Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.

ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!

ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!

ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter

I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila

Him: So whattayou wanna do?

Her: I dunno

Him: So…You wanna play video games?

Her: No!

Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?

“don’t worry about a thing”

“why”

“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”

“what about all the big things”

“ooh forgot about big things”

I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire

Me: did you like that movie?

Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.

[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s

I’ve laughed so hard 😭😭

The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne

Him: Take them off. All of them.

*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans

Cardio? Is that in Spain?

“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”

Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview

told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately

Dear parents,

Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.

Her: I love it when we finish each other’s

Him: pancakes

Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?

job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness

me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage

Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.

Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.

My age is news to me every single time I remember

Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.

I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit

[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”