Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex

I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.

“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”

“Eat human corpses?”

[flashback to eating quinoa]

“Y…yes.”

[lightning strike super close to our house]

5-year-old: Missed me.

I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself

Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!

Shoulder angel:

Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone

Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!

Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.

My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.

Spanish Government: Anything further to report?

Shakira: No.

Shakira’s hips: YES!

wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]

People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.

Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful

Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?

Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.

2016: omg, wtf is happening?

2017: is this a bad dream?

2018: no seriously, WTF?!

2019: things couldn’t get worse

2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE

I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.

The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.

Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.

waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?

me: no no I’ve eaten food before

octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses

If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.

“An eye for an eye?”

– a cannibal at a swap meet

God: I’m calling this a horse

Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!

God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks

I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm

Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.

Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.

So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.

I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.

Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.

They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.

I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point