Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
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INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
God tier horse name today on the sims
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself