Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hawk o the mornin tuah

SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.

ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait

Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.

The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away

[eating chicken]

farmer: YOU AGAIN

*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorry

Canadian boxing

Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.

Wife: sum.

Me: human parts; four letters.

Wife: body.

Me: upon a time; four letters.

Wife: once.

Me: to pay; four letters.

Wife: toll.

Me: 90’s slang; three letters.

Wife: duh.

Me: refer to myself; two letters.

Wife: me.

Got ya covered

You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?

~my favorite guy at the bar.

me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving

I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.

Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.

Wife: I need to lose weight

Me: Maybe you should work out

Wife: Maybe we should workout together

Me: Maybe I should mind my own business

Who is that walking up my driveway?!

Anxiety in 3…2…1…

[knock, knock]

*sigh*

“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”

*eulogy*

Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo

Me: dad always hated my banjo

M: whew

Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now

I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.

So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.

me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table

waiter: white or red

me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers

Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store

I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.

I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.

I will never be a cocomelon parent you gone sit here n watch the wire season 4

A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.

The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”

The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.

“Can I help you?”

“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…

Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.

I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.

Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter

I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me

Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.

Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?

The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.