Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
*drives away quickly*
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choose your gary
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
People who criticize the year 2016 seem to have forgotten that back in May McDonald’s accidentally gave me a Chicken McNugget with my fries.
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about