Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”

Me: “Free.”

Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”

Me: “Thanks!”

*drives away quickly*

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ME: i wish girls would flock to me


ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A


People who criticize the year 2016 seem to have forgotten that back in May McDonald’s accidentally gave me a Chicken McNugget with my fries.


I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.


inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me: “do you have anything less realistic”


Me: So, what do you do for a living?

Her: I flip houses.

Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.

Her: You’re an idiot.


WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down

ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*

BEE *depressed* holy shit


Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!

Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about