Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.

Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.

I’ve decided to become a huge sellout and abandon my core values for cheap cash. Who want to buy my values?

…Anybody?

Hmmm… I thought this would be easier.

One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.

If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.

“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”

Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea

My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.

*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.

Them: Listen to your body more.

Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.

Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.

Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”

Me: “7”

Him: “oh really?”

Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”

Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?

Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute

Surely it must be just Zealand by now.

Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.

{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.

If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.

stopped in at my local wine shop to grab a bottle and was told that on a normal Tuesday they would be at $1500 in sales but they’re already around $10k lmao

Besides an apple, Adam and Eve took a bite of a pear, peach and banana. They were the four bitten fruits

Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!

I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.

I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.

Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.

(I didn’t say best, I said creative)

I’m not saying I’m an idiot…

But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.

Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file

{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?

bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave

me: why

bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline

If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks

[during sex]

Him: punish me baby

Me: OK *hides the TV remote*

Him: that’s not what i m—

Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*

Him: omg please, stop

barber: your hair is so dry

pavlov: i forgot to condition it

And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.