Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
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My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
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Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
A McRib killed my tapeworm.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
Awesome parenting 😂
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
love it when they get my name right
well well well, if it isn’t the holiday weight i said i wouldn’t have to worry about