[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
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you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
This made me smile…
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
Our youngest son graduated with a bachelor’s degree in English. We bought him a car because we’re proud of him. And because he’ll probably have to live in it.
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
My grandpa would be 97 today if he hadn’t double-crossed me
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
Is Dutch some sort of clown language
