Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.

If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.

My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.

Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”

Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.

Roses are red
Violets are blue

Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?

[hiking]

ME: I’m so tired

MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face

Possums basically just grow until they die so if u see a really big possum that is an elder and u should be respectful or u will not see the kingdom of heaven

I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.

Her : I like you

Me : You’re mistaken

[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right away

Security Guard: take the escalator

Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW

just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch

‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people

I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.

Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!

took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired

Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms

The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.

Someone: describe your sex life in two words.

Me: my what?

[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases

I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.

I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.

Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.

You were the one.

The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.

My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.

My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.

Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.

my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that

me: not today santa