Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second

Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.

Me: i have one pretty serious symptom

WebMD: that you know of

*turns off life support*

*waits*

*turns it back on*

Me: How’s she now?

Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?

Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.

Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.

Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?

Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…

I need someone to wring out my brain like a dishrag

“I licked your post.”
“You mean you liked my post?”
“No.”

[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your house

me: I’m at the supermarket

murderer: ok

me: I’ll be there in 10

Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?

[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!

[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.

Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek

Custom Auto Painting

Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?

Me: You sell spaghetti.

For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”

My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.

Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.

You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed

“How do you do, fellow birds?”

The biggest mystery of our time

The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.

POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”

niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit

[Texts to 14]
Hey
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi

[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa

I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY

You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me

Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.

Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.

You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.