Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.

Apologies for the delays. The suitcase smashing machine has broken down, so we’re having to smash suitcases by hand.

When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you

Dear commercial,

If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.

Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House

IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW

me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me

stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:

You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!

Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.

Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.

Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.

Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*

Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.

If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer

If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.

I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers

chiropractor: so how’s your back been?

backstreet: alright

Genie: You have 3 wishes.

Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.

Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.

Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.

Genie: You sonofa-

4 pm:
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9:59 pm:

12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow

Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”

Me: “Wait, what do they say?”

ME: You have a beautiful home.

HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.

I treat people the way I want to be treated by not leaving the house.

Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.

My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine

My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”

Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful

Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”

*All of Twitter goes missing*

Saw two dads share a dad joke out in the wild.
At a grocery store, two guys exchanging a cart. The guy taking the cart said “did ya put some gas in it?” And the other guy patted the cart and said “yep, filled ‘er up for ya” and they had a good little chuckle together

I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.

Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password

When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.

I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.

Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.