drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
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Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
Thrilling chase underway
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
on a walk around my neighborhood today i saw two houses across from each other with a “my neighbor is a karen” flag in their yard and i’m really interested if they hate each other or there’s a third neighbor who’s just a realllll b***h
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?