drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
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Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
Mom: did you get an A on your spanish test
Me: C
Mom: okay mr mexico 🤩
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
Vacation is a time when every part of you can relax except your bowels.
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?