Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

your honor if it pleases the court i brought homemade brownies for everyone

[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”

Me: these edibles are shit

(30 minutes later)

I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos

I WON A HAM TODAY

My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.

But congrats on your pregnancy!

OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?

My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.

Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.

I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice

Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok

Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.

Me, showing up to school the next day:

90% of life is just having the courage to show up.

The other 30% is just checking the math.

It’s October 8th and we’ve already purchased Halloween costumes for both kids. If they actually end up wearing them, I’m giving each of you a king size snickers.

13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.

Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.

Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.

I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.

I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.

Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?

I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.

“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”

It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.

“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”

Brain: LOL

Empty bottles: LOL

Wine shop owner: LOL

New bottle: LOL

Bottle opener: LOL

Liver: LOL

Me: LOL

Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.

Tempted to eat my own leg.

Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.

In honor of the fall equinox I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness

Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”

local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “

Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.

Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.

My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.

5: water poops dirt

me: only bodies poop

5: you said the lake is a body of water

me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own

We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”