[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
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My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
When your child makes a full inventory of their Halloween take so they can tell if they are being robbed by a family member.
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
Ion see the issue
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.