Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The name Ella is short for Mozzarella

I get it, rotisserie chicken.

I hate it when people stare at me too

Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?

Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?

Me: yes.

I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.

the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child

my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s

my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/

I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.

*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”

“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.

today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes

Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently

Me: Absolutely broke.

Advertisers: She’s ready. Target her with the nicest shoes ever.

Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.

Who did this…? 💫⚡️

Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.

Something in my kitchen is beeping quietly 3 times every minute. I can’t find it and it’s driving me crazy. My husband wouldn’t even hear it with his hearing aids in. I’ve never been more jealous of hearing loss.

Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges

I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.

Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.

So, just me..

[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y

Sorry I speak my mind.

It’s the only one I have, so I’m using it.

I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.

If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide

I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home

The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.

imagine being one of those monkeys climbing a tree after living in a cage, bet it blew their little monkey minds

Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.

Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*

Netflix: We have Less