Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as a botany professor]

me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?

student: to reproduce?

me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically

Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.

Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji

Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.

“Dress for the job you want”, they say. Well, I always wanted to be a professional boxer, and now I can’t open this packet of crisps, so thanks a bunch for that.

Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!

I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*

Surgeon: You should be asleep.

7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.

Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.

Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*

Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*

Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?

What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?

Starchy and Husk

If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”

i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it

Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.

If you find what your other half shows you on their phone funny and they find what you show them on your phone funny, it’s an indication that you’re not married.

Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”

My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”

IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera

Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!

When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?

*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*

Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.

“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*

We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.

[World War One]

Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”

Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.

BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.

Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.

If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.

Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.

[walks date home]

HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?

ME: I gotta work early

HER: I have 2 dogs

ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]

I don’t o u anything!

– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings