Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet

You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.

Don’t tell me what to do

maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]

[Work Lunchroom]

Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?

Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.

Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.

Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.

Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?

Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.

Her: …

Me: …

Her: …like…like from rugrats?

Me: …he had a wagon

Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.

[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?

DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p

ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia

‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.

‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.

I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.

If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.

Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2

Cause of death: Zumba

*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*

If someone is whistling they:

1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone

My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck

We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.

[playing checkers]

him: king me

me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate

Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”

And that was the last time she was invited over.

when i worked in an office i had an ’emergency google sheet’ that i kept open in a tab all day and if my boss walked by i’d switch to it from twitter and enter 69s and 420s in its cells with a look of great seriousness on my face

MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’

NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy

Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.

Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.

*drives to liquor store

Men: Masters of multitasking – can watch sports, ignore laundry, and forget your birthday, all at once.

The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works

I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.

Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does

My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.