Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler

What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?

Oh sheet.

Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.

To do list:

1) Kill the fly in my room.

2) Try to snort multivitamins.

3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.

4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.

Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?

Yes.

I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?

“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.

I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…

My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.

Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back

Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣

uber driver is making small talk with me and asks me what i do, so i said i study philosophy, and he immediately says “oh nice man you hear it was Kant’s 300th birthday a few weeks ago? i bet you people went wild for that”

I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.

Them: You have a debt to society

Me: Well they can get in line

I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.

Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.

I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.

*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”

I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.

I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.

Can you explain the gaps in your resume?

Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about

I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.

Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it

-yard sale

You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins

Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives

ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity

ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot

8: I wrote my list for Santa

Me: aren’t you going to ask how he is before you launch into your list of demands?

8: P.S. so…. how’s it going?

Me: perfect

Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.

i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks

You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.

Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.

Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐