Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeam

ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels

GF: Can I have some almonds?

Me: Sure I’m done with them.

GF: These are good!

Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.

Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.

I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes

Legos on the floor by her side of the bed

Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.

My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.

i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed

Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.

[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit

[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit

If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.

Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.

You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.

I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.

*lays head on homeless guys lap*

“You would not believe the day I had”

Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!

wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.

Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing

[First Date]

Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.

You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.

when you’re trying to sneak out and grab the amazon package first thing in the morning but your neighbor spots you

☠️ ☠️

[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”

* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…

I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.

[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there

“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*

If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”

Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…

Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”