Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.

Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.

But I stand by my advice.

If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened

1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am

2: you died

Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?

Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ

Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?

Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.

My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.

Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….

My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated

Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.

Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall

[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]

Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT

Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.

Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄

Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.

[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]

My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.

“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”

-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.

Here’s a fun number: 8

After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.

I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.

Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.

6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.

Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*

6yo: Oh no.

Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.

Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me

[being introduced to a new coworker]

boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company

me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE

ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—

the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw

ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS

One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.

Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…

Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.

That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.

Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!

I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.

I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.

[invention of blue cheese]

“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”

I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.