Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.

Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No

Kids are so inquisitive.

“Will robots ever take over the world?”

Me: “Almost certainly.”

“But when? Before I die?”

“A bit before, yes.”

I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”

My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.

Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:

“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”

– Dad Medicine 101

Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.

ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii

Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022

My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.

Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.

If you’re asked, “What’s your biggest weakness” in a job interview, just be honest and say carbs.

Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”

They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)

Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time

It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.

My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.

I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.

Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.

Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.

Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.

BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder

I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other

[texting gf]

February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”

February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”

Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.

Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.

Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!

Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.

Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?

Walt Disney: Kill the mom.

P: and the mermaid movie?

WD: Kill the mom.

P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?

WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.

I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker

grandpa was shocked