Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]

me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!

“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”

-how vodka was born

My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.

Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*

Doctors texting each other.

My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.

She was rare, like a goth carolling.

Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating

she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds

[concert]

lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?

me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!

I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.

I sexually identify as an avocado.

Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.

If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.

The three genders.

Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*

“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol

I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.

Damn, this hole is wet

*I say right after stepping into a puddle

wtf management?!

I remember when yoga was called Twister.

My heart hurts when you’re not around

*buuurrrrpp*

Never mind

ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.

“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”

“No sun.”

[Asking someone out]

Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?

Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.

I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”

“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.

i could never be hannah montana because i would take one hit of a joint at a party, turn to the person closest to me, and immediately go “i neeeeeeed to tell u something”

My guardian angel deserves a raise

if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats