Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?

I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.

Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.

I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.

If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends

“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”

~ Snowmen.

me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember

Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?

Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.

I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.

I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.

I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.

8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.

TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red

I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]

For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard

Time heals everything 🙂

Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.

[At the police station]

Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning

Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe

Cop: okay what

This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.

Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.

If the person who named Walkie Talkies named everything else:

Stamps: Lickie Stickies

Defibrillators: Hearty Starty

Pregnancy Test: Maybe Baby

Lamp: Lighty Brighty

My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.

SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me

When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.

Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.

The dude who invented the autocorrect has died. Restaurant in piece

I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.

excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries

me, interrupting a couple fighting