Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s

Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol

Pentagon: he’s getting too close

*orders large pizza*

*opens box*

“Let’s do this…wait”

“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.

He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave

Me: *wolf whistles*

me: *offering joint* wanna hit

giraffe:

me: nvm ur already high lol

[later]

scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human

Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.

Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.

I apologise if I offended you.

And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.

Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.

Me: My sex life is like your car.

Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?

Me: Nope. Electric powered.

Professor, clearing his throat:

“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”

just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes

Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo

– Cole’s Law

CRYING

Hey guys if anyone was thinking about asking me to cut their hair I’d strongly encourage against it and any further questions on that can be directed to my boyfriend who is now, as of 20 minutes ago, for reasons no one can quite pinpoint, more or less bald

the toddler refers to every baby as Baby [Name], like Baby is their formal title

Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.

My dogs are always 100% by my side, unless my kids are eating food in their rooms, which they are not to do. So, whenever I am sans dogs, I yell, “Get the food outta your room!”

Just heard my 10 y/o say to his Fortnite buds, “Omg you guys, I think my mom’s a witch!”

Success😎

Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them

-Lord of the Onion Rings

My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up

Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.

Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.

Finally!

I’ll go first…

Bad Boys. 😏

Normalize asking if this is an intervention whenever someone invites you over

me: i’ve been hearing voices

psychiatrist:

me:

psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist

20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed

30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed

*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*

I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.

My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!

My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.